Reds that aren't actually red
(Anger that wasn't actually anger)
​2023

"I breathe in, and I know right now there is a wave of anger that is arising from my inside. I breathe out, and I know where such anger arose from." - It took me 26 years of my life to finally learnt this one simple gesture, to practise it. 

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​I don't usually use words or letters in my artworks, previously. I think it's the problem with having (too much) pride - thinking "Language has limits, and I don't need to explain myself to anyone. If they understand me, they understand and if they don't, then they don't." Perhaps it is similar to when I get angry - I started to shut everything and everyone else out of my system. I got disappointed for not being understood by others and expected them to figure out - on their own - why I was unhappy. Yet at the same time, I tried to force my anger down, to hide all of its expression. I even got annoyed if someone dared to point out the shift in my emotion, by simply asking "(Why) Are You Mad?"

"Anger means acting childish. Anger means having no self-control. Anger means being selfish, being self-centred, and having no empathy for others. Anger means weakness." That's how I used to identify and explain my anger, and I guess that was partly the reason for my annoyance and self-compression - I was embarrassed for getting angry. I thought that it is a negative emotion that need to be eliminated from my system - out of my mind - and by meditating I can completely make myself a calmer person, that once I mastered the practice I will be able to announce to the world: "There is no longer a child who exists in me. I have become a completely mature adult!" 

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But that is not the point of meditation. I cannot - and can never - extrude the inner child from my inner self. No one can ever do that. One thing I learnt from the mindfulness practices is that our consciousness will sometimes revert to the form of a child. Most of the time, that child is deep asleep, leaving the control over for the adult to take. However, at some points in our life, when there is a vibration came from the outside world - could be happiness, excitement, anger, or even love - that is strong enough to reach the child and wakes them up. Now the child is awake, confused and irritated - every child gets irritated and confused if they are suddenly shaken from their sleep - and starts to cry and whine, and the adult gets impatient. The adult feels embarrassed, they want the child to immediately calm down. But you cannot calm a panicking child down by simply pointing your finger at them, asking them to shut up, tearing them down with your reproach "You were supposed to be asleep, why are you being a burden right now?" Well, you can force them to stop crying by violence, by locking them behind a closed door, by ignoring their cries. But the child never actually stops crying - distress and anxiety are built up until one point when the child is overwhelmed and decides to bang on the door, screaming to be let out. Your inner child cannot calm down, and so does the adult. 

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The only way to calm the child down is to reconnect with them, accept them, listen to them, and wait until they are relaxed. Accept that they are scared - accept that you are feeling scared. Admit that you are yet to know what to do right now - admit that you don't have the answer for every single thing. Sometimes the child needs to be listened to, while the adult needs to take a rest. It is okay to be not okay. Find comfort within discomforts. Perfection lies in imperfections, and ideas arise from unideal situations. Being a calm person doesn't mean having no emotional problems, doesn't mean abandoning your anger. It means to have patience for your inner child (and perhaps the other children from your outside world as well). If you face your anger closely, you can tell that it is formed from so many other things that weren't anger at all. You don't have to make any announcement to the world, and if there is, then it is the announcement made for yourself: "I am aware that right now the child in my mind needs to be listened to, and the adult needs to take a rest. I know, and I wait." 

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Making this work, I finally got the courage (and honesty and something else) to sit down with my angry sprouts and found out what the soil was made of. Of course, language still has its limits, but sometimes, putting your feelings into words, does help. The best part of this work is that there's no correct way to display it on the wall. Anyone can enjoy it anyhow, from any angle.